Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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