your thong is hanging out like whoa
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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