he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
