I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
