if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
