Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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