I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
