So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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