matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
