just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
