Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
