Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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