I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
