His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
