Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
