ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
