here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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