WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
