I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
