Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
