Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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