So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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