Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
