Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All the doctor said was why
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
