She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
