Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
