I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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