i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
