Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
