I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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