I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
