brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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