If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
