Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
