my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
