it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
