Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
