still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
