Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
