She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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