her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
