She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
