Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
