dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
