Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
