shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
