im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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