Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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