If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
