I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
well, you know. whores of a feather.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
